Everything You Want
by Yanagi-sen
Summary: Post-Kyoto arc: Tsuzuki is everything Hisoka could want, so what's the problem?


Everything You Want

By Yanagi-sen

Yami no Matsuei songfic

Usual disclaimers apply.  This is my first attempt at a strictly YnM fic.  Regretfully, Hisoka isn't mine, neither is Tsuzuki… two more bishounen lost… *sigh*  And the song is by Vertical Horizon (I've been wanting to use it forever…)  Oh, and any YnM manga translation credit goes to Theria who did all the hard work so we can just enjoy, thanks!

Warnings: spoilers for Kyoto Arc

/character thoughts/

/Why do I keep waking up from the same dream?  I see Tsuzuki… surrounded by Touda's flames… I can hear Muraki laughing… and the flames pass between Tsuzuki and me… and when they clear he's gone./  Hisoka looked to the bed beside his where his partner slept peacefully.  He sighed in relief.  /He's still here./  He straightened the rumpled bedclothes and lay back down.  /Baka…/

**_~Somewhere there's speaking / It's already coming in / Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind…~_**

He was touched, that Tsuzuki had come looking for him, especially since the man should have been resting.  But it hurt to have to tell him that Muraki was still alive.  He wished he could have said the sadist was dead.  But knowing that Muraki was alive, it gave the brunette shinigami a focus, something to concentrate on other than his having survived.

Hisoka watched his partner wander back inside, after admonishing him to come back in soon.  He wondered how much Tsuzuki actually remembered while they were immersed in Touda's flames.  /Did he listen to what I said?  Does he remember?...

_"I'm not going back...!! I...don't want to be....alone..."_

_"I decided a long time ago.....that my place to return to is here...." _

_"By your side only--------" _

/I had decided… decided that I wouldn't leave him to die alone.  I had to die alone before; I wouldn't let that happen to him.  And if he wasn't going to be here… I didn't want to live either… why?  Why do I feel this way?  Why do I depend on his mere presence like this? /

"Hisoka!"

"Coming."

**_~You never could get it / Unless you were fed it / Now you're here and you don't know why…~_**

It was the first night alone, back in his own house.  He'd finally gotten discharged by Watari today; Tsuzuki was going to be returning home as well.  Hisoka suspected that he'd been kept longer than really necessary so that the older shinigami would have company while recuperating.  But now… he tossed and turned, unable to sleep.  He thought he'd be happy to finally be alone for a while, to have the quiet he so craved.   He'd spent weeks surrounded by the hustle and bustle of visitors coming to see Tsuzuki.  The girls from Hokkaido plaguing him.  The brunette shinigami's own complaining and fussing.  Now the house was silent.  So silent he could hear the clock ticking in the other room.  

/Why can't I rest?  I'm tired.  I should be sleeping.  Why am I thinking of that baka… again?/

He finally gave up and spent the rest of the night reading a book in a chair by the window.

**_~But under skinned knees and the skid marks / Past the places where you used to learn…~_**

"Hisoka… are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You don't look okay…"

"I just didn't sleep well, alright?"

"Hisoka… maybe you should see Watari…"

"I'll be fine."  He was a little disappointed when Tsuzuki gave up and went to his desk.  He sighed.  He wanted to be left alone, but at the same time, he didn't.  He started sorting another pile of paperwork.  They were both still on desk duty only, more for the other man's benefit than his own he was sure.  He watched as one by one, others filtered in to see Tsuzuki.  The amethyst-eyed man was still being showered with gifts and wishes to get well.  

Tired, Hisoka rested his chin on his hand and started reading a report.  /Who filled this one out?  This is in the completely wrong section…/

"Bon?"

"Huh?"  Hisoka looked up, surprised.  He hadn't even heard Watari walk over.

"Here… I think you need this."  The blond man set a cup of tea on his desk.  

He picked it up and sipped it.  "Thanks."

"Don't mention it.  Are you okay?"

"Just tired.  I didn't sleep well."

"Ah.  Everyone will understand if you go home early."

"No.  I've done enough sitting around."

"Bon."  Watari leaned over looking right in his face.  "You haven't been 'sitting around'.  You've been recovering from probably the most serious injury your body has ever received.  You may think you are recovered.  But you need to take it easy for a while, okay?"

"Tsuzuki was hurt worse than me."

"We're not talking about Tsuzuki, and as to who was hurt worse, that's debatable."

"He was in the flames longer."

"But you felt the pain of both of you.  I'm not going to stand here and about argue this.  Take care of yourself, or I'll take you right back down to the Health Facility and make sure you're taken care of."

"Watari…"

"Do you think we are more concerned for Tsuzuki?  The only reason all those visitors aren't over here is because they know you are a more private person.  And even someone with half a brain can tell you're not feeling well today."

Hisoka bowed his head; he hadn't meant to worry anyone.

"Relax.  I'll check on you later."

He watched Watari walk out, waving goodbye to Tsuzuki.  The brunette waved back and then glanced over at Hisoka.  The younger shinigami looked away first, trying to concentrate on his files.

**_~You howl and listen / Listen and wait for the / Echoes of angels who won't return…~_**

He woke up screaming, feeling hands on his body.  

"Hisoka… wake up!"

He gasped and opened his eyes.  Standing over him, holding his arms and legs were Tsuzuki and Watari.  He could feel the concern radiating off of them.  As soon as they realized he was awake they released him, and the feelings eased.  He sat up and swallowed, his throat dry from screaming.  "What… what happened?"

"You fell asleep at your desk.  I carried you down here.  Then you started having a nightmare.  You were thrashing so much we were afraid you would throw yourself off the bed."

"Are you okay, Bon?"

"Aa…" He wiped the sweat from his face.  /Muraki again… will the man ever leave me alone?/  He hugged his knees.  He could still feel the man's hands all over him.  He shivered.

"Bon?"

"What?"  Both Watari and Tsuzuki were watching him, worry on their faces.

The scientist shook his head.  "That's it… you're staying here the rest of the day.  I'll go tell Tatsumi.  Tsuzuki, stay with him till I get back."

"Hai."

"Watari…"  But the man was already gone.  "Tsuzuki…"

"I didn't make the decision.  Did you even eat lunch?"  Tsuzuki shook his head when he didn't answer and dug some crackers out of a cabinet.  "Eat these… they will have to do till Watari gets back."  Hisoka dutifully started to nibble on one.

"Tsuzuki…"

"Do you want some tea?"

"Tsuzuki…"  The man stopped fussing and sat down, his face serious.  

"Hisoka… what were you dreaming about?"

He hugged his knees tighter, dropping the cracker, hiding his face; he knew the curse marks were blazing.  "Him…"  Gentle arms came around him pulling him to rest against the older man.  He jumped at first, but the strong arms didn't release him.  After a moment, he sagged allowing the tears to fall silently.

**_~He's everything you want / He's everything you need / He's everything inside of you / That you wish you could be…~_**

It was much later when Hisoka woke again.  He'd fallen asleep in Tsuzuki's arms.  He woke still wrapped in those arms.  Tsuzuki had joined him on the bed, sitting back against the headboard with the smaller shinigami cradled in his arms and half-draped across his body.  The room was darkened, and quiet.  Tilting his head, he could see that the brunette was sleeping, a peaceful look on his face.

Hisoka set his head back where it had been.  He didn't want to wake the other man.  He lay there for a long time before he fell asleep again, listening to the man's heartbeat for once not fearing the touch of another.

**_~He says all the right things / At exactly the right time / But he means nothing to you / And you don't know why…~_**

Tsuzuki yawned.  He was warm, almost uncomfortably so.  He looked down, to see a blond head nestled against his chest.  He smiled, looking at the boy fondly.  He didn't think there had been any nightmares during the night.  He wasn't sure what it was about this aloof young man.  Ever since he'd seen him, the very first time, holding that fake gun on him… the boy had been special.

For the longest time, he had tried to pretend Hisoka was only another partner in a long string of partners.  Tried not to get attached, so that it would mean nothing when the boy asked for a transfer.

But Hisoka hadn't left.  The smaller shinigami had slowly opened up to him, gradually letting first Tsuzuki and then others see a little of the person that he locked away inside.  He had discovered that under all the sarcasm and teen-apathy, there was a very kind and sensitive soul.  A soul that desperately wanted someone to care about him, yet was afraid to let anyone know.  So he kept trying to push everyone away, holding them at arms length so they couldn't hurt him.  In many ways, Hisoka was still a child.  Scared.  Alone.  Abandoned.  So much like himself.  

**_~You're waiting for someone / To put you together / You're waiting for someone to push you away…~_**

The small blond stirred slightly and Tsuzuki rubbed his back and shoulders till the boy quieted.  /We're both broken, aren't we?  Just bits and pieces trying to find a way to put ourselves back together.  I thought I had reached the point where I didn't even want to try anymore.  That's why I summoned Touda.  I was so tired of trying to keep everything together.  I figured everyone would be sad, but ultimately would be better off without me around to destroy everything.  I thought you could find a better partner.  You deserve a better partner, one that's more serious like you, one that doesn't mess up as much.  I thought maybe you stayed with me because you felt you had to./

/But for some reason, you seem to be depending on me to put your pieces back together.  You don't know how to do it yourself, do you?  Have you ever been whole, Hisoka?  Has there ever been a point in your life when you've been whole and happy?  I kept waiting for you to find yourself and then you wouldn't need me… and you would get tired of dealing with me and push me away… like the others… like all the others… but you haven't.  Why Hisoka?  I don't know if I can let you depend on me like this… I'm afraid I'll fail you like I've failed with everything else… and then what will happen to you?  What will happen…/

**_~There's always another wound to discover / There's always something more you wish he'd say…~ _**

The loose shirt they had changed Hisoka into had slid off one pale shoulder.  Tsuzuki stroked the smooth skin now exposed.  /You are so fair, so beautiful; I will never understand how that… man… could have marred you.  But I've seen what he left you with.  You try not to let anyone see the marks, afraid of what we will think.  You've been so shunned and hurt.  I think I know them well enough to say everyone would be horrified, but they wouldn't be disgusted the way you think.  I know I'm horrified and disgusted, not by you, but by those marks, evidence of that… sadist's cruelty.  I've seen them, blazing as if they were burning you.  Maybe they do.  You act as if they pain you physically as well as mentally./

Hisoka stirred again, shifting off of him and curling up beside his body.  Tsuzuki made sure the sheet was pulled up around his thin shoulders.

/I wish you'd talk to me Hisoka.  I want to help you.  But I need you to let me know how./  He sighed and carefully slipped from the bed.  He didn't think the boy had eaten at all the day before; he would need some food when he woke up.

**_~He's everything you want / He's everything you need / He's everything inside of you / That you wish you could be…~_**

Tsuzuki searched for something his partner would eat.  Himself, he would be perfectly happy with a sweet pastry or five, but that wasn't to Hisoka's taste.  Rice, he guessed, and some miso, a good Japanese breakfast, but with coffee… he liked coffee.

"Tsuzuki… what are you doing around here at this time of day?"

He turned to see Tatsumi walking down the hall a faintly amused expression on his face.  Tsuzuki ignored the teasing.  "I stayed here with Hisoka last night.  I need to find some breakfast for him."  He turned pleading eyes on the man.  "Please Tatsumi… where can I get food for him?… He doesn't like what I do… And you know I can't cook…"

Tatsumi sighed.  "Why don't you just call Wakaba-san and ask her to bring what you want with her when she comes in?"

"Tatsumi… you're a genius!"  He headed for the nearest phone.

"Someone has to be."  He muttered as he went on to his office.  Tsuzuki stuck his tongue out at the man's back.  "And don't do that… you look like a little kid."

Phone call completed, Wakaba said she'd be happy to bring breakfast for Hisoka, the older shinigami headed back for the Health Facility.  He really didn't know how Hisoka kept going, the way he ignored meals and sleep the way he did.  And he was so serious all the time.  He severely doubted the boy knew how to have fun.  But he was dedicated to their job… in a scary way sometimes.  Tsuzuki still wondered why Hisoka agreed to become a shinigami.  True, it was the only way he could discover why he had died, but the brunette thought that since his life had been so awful, he would have taken the chance to move on.  To be happy, in a way Tsuzuki doubted he himself ever could.

**_~He says all the right things / At exactly the right time / But he means nothing to you / And you don't know why…~_**

He was sitting back in the chair beside the bed when those green eyes finally blinked and opened to look around sleepily.  "Ohayō, Hisoka.  How are you feeling?"

Hisoka yawned and sat up, rubbing his eyes.  "Don't know yet… too early to tell…"

Tsuzuki restrained his smile; Hisoka wasn't exactly a morning person.  He would deny it vehemently, but he was cute when he just woke up, when his mind wasn't moving fast enough to be sarcastic yet.  "Breakfast is coming.  Don't worry; Wakaba-chan is bringing it… no sweets I promise."

"Aa."

As he watched Hisoka struggling to wake, he thought again about the boy and what he meant to him.  Why did he care for the boy so much?  He hadn't cared for any of his former partners like this.  Then again, none of his previous partners had been so… delicate, he guessed the word was.  He didn't want to say 'weak'… cause at times Hisoka was the strongest person he knew.  Anyone who had to deal with a gift like he possessed… but the fragility of his body... his lack of 'power'… None of his former partners had needed protection like this boy.  Was that the only reason he wanted to be close to Hisoka?  To protect him.  To care for him.  To keep him safe the way he hadn't been able to protect others before.

Or was it something else?

**_~But you'll just sit tight / And watch it unwind / It's only what you're asking for…~_**

Hisoka watched as Tsuzuki left to get to work.  Wakaba had brought him breakfast, and on the way in had stopped by his house to get some clean clothes for him.  He had eaten the rice and miso, trying to ignore the watchful eyes of Tsuzuki and Watari who had checked him over and said he could go to work as soon as he had eaten and changed.  But for a few blessed minutes, he was alone.

He walked down the hall toward the office, nodding to the 'ohayō' from coworkers.  He found hot tea already waiting for him at his desk and smiled inwardly at the thoughtfulness of the unknown server.  He could hear Tsuzuki being scolded by Tatsumi for eating doughnuts in the break room instead of working.  /Things are back to normal, apparently./  

Now Terazuma, Wakaba, and Watari were getting in on the conversation, creating an inclusive knot with Tsuzuki at the center.  Hisoka could tell a lot of the closeness stemmed from true friendship and affection, as well as their lingering concern for the amethyst-eyed shinigami.  During the time they had been confined to the infirmary, he had even seen Terazuma with a look of worry on his face, dispelling the brusque shinigami's claim that he didn't like Tsuzuki.

As his partner returned to his desk, proverbial tail between his legs, with the others trailing along to continue the discussion, Hisoka just sat and sipped his tea.  Hovering on the fringes as always.

**_~And you'll be just fine / With all of your time / It's only what you're waiting for…~ _**

"Hiiiiiiisooookaaaa."  

The blond looked up as Tsuzuki came running over to his desk, hiding behind him.  "What did you do now?"

"Nooooothiiiiiing."

He sighed and looked around for the source of his partner's angst.  /Ah… Elder GuShouShin…/  "Did you do something to the library again?"

"Nooooooo… not recently…"

The chicken-like creature fluttered over to Hisoka's desk, Tsuzuki making himself small behind the blond.  "Ohayō, Hisoka."

"Ohayō, GuShouShin, what can I do for you?"

"I'm trying to track down a book.  Since our records are in such disarray…" He glared at Tsuzuki, who whimpered from behind his chair.  "I was wondering if you had it."  He handed a slip of paper to Hisoka.

"Oh… yes, I do."  He opened a drawer and pulled it out.  "I'm done with it… sorry I didn't get it back to you."

"That's quite alright.  We know YOU take care of books… unlike others.  Feel free to come get some more anytime.  We're not officially open, but for you, we'll make an exception."  He glared once more at Tsuzuki, and left with the book tucked under a wing.

"Thank you."  He waited till his visitor had disappeared around the corner.  "You can come out now, Tsuzuki."

"Oh, Hisoka… thank you for hiding me."

"I didn't hide you baka, you cowered behind my chair."

"Hidoi…"

Hisoka sighed.  There was no use; it was just the way Tsuzuki was.  It wouldn't be the same if he changed.  And truth be told, he didn't really want the man to change.

**_~Out of the island / Into the highway / Past the places where you might have turned…~_**

Tsuzuki watched as all day people surreptitiously stopped by Hisoka's desk.  GuShouShin for the book… Wakaba with the tea… Tatsumi to pick up the pile of completed files.  Even Terazuma stopped by to ask a question.  It probably seemed random to Hisoka, his visitors, but Watari had discretely spread the word around the boy's friends that some contact would be good for him.  In fact, the boy did look better for the quiet attention.  He had even eaten most of his lunch when Wakaba had brought it.  Tsuzuki made a mental note to get her a nice gift the next time he went to Earth, without her he didn't know how he would have gotten Hisoka to eat today.

/Now to convince him to come home with me… that way I'll know he's okay.  Besides… he seems to sleep better if he's with me.  That's all there is to it./  He sternly told himself.  /I'm just concerned.  I want him to sleep well tonight./

"Hisoka?"

The boy looked up, startled.  "Hai?"

"It's time to go… what are you doing for dinner tonight?"

"Um… I don't know.  I haven't had a chance to shop."

"Ah… me either.  Want to go out?"  He sighed, and Tsuzuki knew he was thinking of the cost.  "My treat… you can even pick the restaurant…"

"Well… okay.  But not Italian… we had that last time."

"Yatta!  Let's go!"  He thought Hisoka might have even smiled as they were leaving.

**_~You never did notice / But you still hide away / The anger of angels who won't return…~ _**

It was very pleasant.  Not having to have to worry about an assignment, just being able to enjoy their dinner.  They had gone to a small restaurant that was one of their favorites.  It was a nice place, only having seating for about 20 people, so even full, which it wasn't that night, it wasn't a strain on Hisoka's empathy.  They served excellent traditional food, which pleased Hisoka, but also had a good selection of sweets for Tsuzuki.  All in all, it was a wonderful meal.  They were walking along the water watching the lights from the boats before they headed back to the Meifu.

"Ne… Hisoka?"

"Aa?"

"Come back to my place will you?"

"Why?"

"Um…"  He tried to think of a good reason.

Hisoka sighed.  "Alright… alright… I'll come by for a little while."

He watched the blond boy walk a little in front of him.  /There is still so much anger in you, isn't there Hisoka?  At Muraki… at your parents… at the world…  You just hide it deep inside where it can't hurt anyone.  I want Muraki dead.  Then you'll be safe… and your anger can fade.  And maybe then… maybe then you can be happy./

**_~He's everything you want / He's everything you need / He's everything inside of you / That you wish you could be…~_**

Hisoka watched as Tsuzuki bustled around his home getting coffee and cookies.  /Why did Tsuzuki ask me to come home with him?  Why did he stay with me last night?  He could have left.  But he didn't, he stayed with me all night.  Is he worried about me?  I'm okay… I've recovered./

"Douzo, Hisoka."

"Arigatō."  He sipped the coffee.  /Good, Tsuzuki didn't switch them on accident again./  More than once he'd taken a sip and almost spit it right back out, it was so sweet.  /Why is he doing this?  What if it's for a different reason?  What if…/

He had to admit he was a bit envious of the older shinigami.  With 12 shikigami at his command, there was little he couldn't handle… except Muraki… but that man was able to unsettle everyone.  When protecting others, Tsuzuki would let NOTHING stand in his way… but when it came to himself…  That was when things went bad.  Hisoka wanted the same type of power… so HE could protect Tsuzuki in those times when the man couldn't do it himself.  He just couldn't answer WHY he wanted to protect him.

**_~He says all the right things / At exactly the right time / But he means nothing to you / And you don't know why…~ _**

"Ne… Hisoka…"

"Hai?"

"I'm sorry."

"For?"

"For making you come save me.  You could have been killed.  I didn't want that."

"I know that, baka."  /I know… I know, no matter how much you may have wanted to die yourself at the time… you wouldn't want me to die too.  That's what I counted on… But…/

"And Hisoka…"

"Hai?"

Tsuzuki was strangely serious.  "I'm not angry with you for it either."

The blond blinked.  How did Tsuzuki know he had been worrying about that?  That he thought the man might be upset with him for essentially blackmailing him into living.  

The brunette turned back to his movie.  "I just thought you would like to know."

**_~I am everything you want / I am everything you need / I am everything inside of you / That you wish you could be…~_**

Tsuzuki knew his young partner was watching him.  He had surprised him.  He didn't need to be an empath to know what the blond was thinking right then.  Hisoka HAD been worried that he was angry with him, but hadn't wanted to say anything, as usual.  He was so determined not to be a burden on anyone, it was going to get him into more trouble, Tsuzuki was sure.  If it didn't get him killed.

/I'm here Hisoka… I'm right here if you want me.  But the decision has to be yours.  I've done all that I can.  The rest… the rest is all up to you./

He pretended to watch his movie, while in actuality watching his small partner.  Hisoka's attention eventually wandered and he stared off into space, lost in thought.

**_~I say all the right things / At exactly the right time / But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why…~_**

Hisoka felt his eyes growing heavy.  He realized he'd waited too long to go home, there was no way he would make it all the way back now.  /Oh well… it won't be the first time I've crashed on Tsuzuki's couch./  He let his body relax, fully expecting that his partner would just toss a blanket over him like he had before.  He was just drifting off when he felt arms slid under his shoulders and knees and then the sensation of being lifted.

"Nani?"

"I'm just putting you to bed."

"Demo… it's your bed… I'm fine… on the couch."

"Shhhhh… it's okay."

Hisoka was too tired to protest farther.  He sank gratefully onto the soft mattress.  He could hear a faint chuckle from the other shinigami.  "Let me at least get those jeans off… they won't be comfortable to sleep in."  Grumbling, the blond let him remove the offending article of clothing before lying down again.  He felt the bed dip slightly and then another warm body stretched out beside his own.

"Tsuzuki."

"Just go to sleep, Hisoka."

**_~And I don't know why.. ~_**

It was only after he figured the blond had fully given into sleep that Tsuzuki took the boy into his arms, cradling him as he had the afternoon and night before.  "No more bad dreams, Hisoka… I don't care what it takes… but I won't let there be anymore bad dreams… not while I'm here with you.  I promise."

The smaller shinigami stirred slightly.  "Go to sleep, baka."

Tsuzuki froze, but his young partner made no other sound.  He smiled.  

**_~Why…~_**

****

-owari-


End file.
